On and off throughout my pain journey I had seen a therapist who greatly helped me (and My Guy) with pain management techniques. If I take nothing away from the long hours we spent together, it is this most important thing: YOUR PAIN IS NOT YOUR STORY. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE STORY!
He was so right. It’s the best pain management technique I have in my arsenal. When I begin to lose the juggling game and my rings start falling to the ground (see previous blog Lady of the Rings: Pain Management is an Arduous Juggling Act), I NEED TO STAY OUT OF MY HEAD! If I can do that one thing, I can survive the complete car crash and get my rings back in the air sooner rather than much, much later. Unfortunately, I kinda forgot to remember this recently.
Everything seems to hit me three times harder than the Non-Chronic. I get that cold that everyone has and they’re down for 3 days; I’m down for 9. I have a minor surgical procedure and expected recovery time is 2 weeks; I need 6-8. Bloody frustrating as all hell!
My rings have been falling out of the tapestry for months now following some minor surgery I had in March. Once the surgery was scheduled, I anticipated this happening and tried my best to prepare for and prevent it from occurring.
Prior to surgery, I was doing really well with the juggling act. So, I thought I was well prepared. House (ring) was clean and well organized. This is key because if I need something, I know exactly where it is and I don’t need to expend unnecessary yet precious energy searching for it or crawling over a mess to get to it. I’ve been eating (ring) clean. No overly processed foods. Gluten, sugar and dairy are at a minimum. Plenty of protein and leafy greens. I’m getting daily exercise (ring) and meditation (ring). I’m in a good place with my family (ring) and friends and have made a point of reaching out (ring) to others instead of staying cocooned. I’m sleeping (ring) well and, last but not least, I have the appropriate medications (ring) in line with both surgical doctor and pain management doctor. All of the boxes are checked; all eight rings flying high. I am in a great place in my head and know I have this little surgery down!
Then all freaking hell breaks loose. And most of it, I did to myself. I forgot to Step Away From The Story!
Bad Timing. I was in a great place when I made arrangements for an absolute favorite person of mine to visit for a week just before the surgery. This is a person who is very important to me and we generally keep in regular touch via text about most aspects of our lives. She has kept me going a lot of times when there was no one else to whom I felt I could reach out. (Aside from My Guy. My Guy is a blessed constant.)
Just prior to her arrival, two things started to hit me very hard emotionally. 1. The first anniversary of my father’s death was approaching. 2. I began reading about and hearing about people who had died from multiple myeloma.
I don’t want to veer off course here so quickie backstory. 1. The Big Reminder of my dad’s passing was also shining a bright light on some family drama that is indirectly breaking my heart; therefore the approaching anniversary was not only reminding me of my dad and and our last days together but ridiculous drama that occurred after his death. 2. My Guy has both had a full complete response to treatment of and is in full remission of multiple myeloma, an incurable blood cancer. Now, My Guy can spin circles around me. He is now as healthy and strong as a horse, not a single cancer cell in sight. And we NEVER think that MM will beat him. But for some bloody reason, I’m being hit with deaths from MM everywhere I turn: in my daily news feed, a magazine I randomly pick up, my dentist’s cousin’s wife’s uncle, the damned novel I’m reading!
So now we’re off to the races because I’m in my head. I’ve allowed The Story to take over without even realizing it. The story is that I didn’t do enough for my dad; I am becoming estranged from my family; and I’m going to imminently lose My Guy. NONE OF WHICH IS TRUE! But I’ve already begun the narrative. There’s no turning back now.
Bad decisions. So my company is about to arrive. Party Time! Vacation! I begin to make unwise decisions. The first thing I do is get crap food in the house because you have to have cool and unhealthy snacks during Vacation Party Time. Now I know better than this. I promise you I do. I’m married to a professional chef, for heaven’s sake. And especially since his diagnosis, we eat wisely! But in the past, food had always been my go-to for Comfort, and now, in my weakened emotional state, I’m forgetting my good habits and heading straight for Comfort. I’m doing it on autopilot; these are not conscious decisions.
Favorite Person (FP) has arrived and it’s wonderful! Until it’s not. I’m visualizing a calendar in front of my face and seeing the countdown of days until my dad’s death anniversary. Why this is suddenly a thing with me I have no idea. We were able to prepare as much for his passing as one is able to prepare for such things. It was not a surprise but a natural course of events. But it’s like I’m expecting a massive explosion or something on Anniversary Day. Impending Doom. It’s an actual physical pressure building up inside of my body. And because of this, the Family Drama has become bigger and bigger and bigger in my head and it’s now playing on a constant loop. And then, of course, My Guy could die soon. Let’s not forget that.
Of course, all of this internalized drama, excess emotion, and lousy diet are affecting my pain levels which then is affecting my sleep. I’m not thinking clearly; the fibro-fog is rolling in fast and thick. I’m having difficulty focusing on conversation because I’m fixated on the pain and that’s adding to The Story. I’m getting short and crabby with FP. We had a reasonable activity agenda set prior to her arrival but that’s now become too much for me both physically and mentally but I don’t want to disappoint her. This is her vacation and she’s taken precious time off from work. I lose my temper and say some things I do not at all mean but I’ve hurt her. I apologize profusely and all appears to be well, but I know FP. The damage is done. I hate myself.
Shortly after she leaves, it’s D-Day. Not June 6th. Anniversary of Death Day. The following day is the surgery. I fall apart completely. I’m mourning for my dad like he died yesterday and grieving for my broken family. I’ve just had intrusive and painful surgery. I’m hurting everywhere. And I can’t get FP out of my head. I’m running with The Story again. I’ve let her down. She seems distant. How can I make this up to her? Has irreparable damage been done to our relationship? How soon will it be before My Guy’s cancer returns? What if he doesn’t respond to treatment this time? Will he die? My pain is never going to go away. I hate my life. Can’t I ever just have a freaking good day? It’s going to take me forever to recover from this. How many surgeries do I have to have? I look so old. And on it goes. I’m an official resident of Crazy Town.
Some miracles DO happen. I recovered well from the actual surgery. But after the necessary recuperation period, I couldn’t get back up again. All of my rings had fallen to the floor.
My clean and well organized house had become messy and disorganized. I became re-addicted to carbs, sugar and gluten and was freely eating the old junk trying to find that Comfort I (mistakenly) thought it had once given me. I hadn’t been exercising and when I started again I overdid it and then literally couldn’t move. My spinal pain became worse than it had been in recent years and the sleeplessness went on for weeks. My meds had gotten out of sync, causing strange nerve sensations and uncontrollable body twitches when I would try to rest. The nights were endless and agonizing. Screaming anxiety had taken control and capital D Depression was close on its heels. The black hole started sucking me in and I couldn’t seem to help myself. And, of course, The Story kept expanding and getting juicier with each passing day. I completely forgot the strongest tool in my pain management toolkit! I had become the freaking story!
Now I clearly did most of this to myself. Had I not allowed The Story to take over, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into such a fix. Oh, I would have dropped a few rings, sure. But with the right attitude, I could have easily added them back into the tapestry as soon as I was physically able to do so. Instead, I began the slick slide into The Dark Place.
Thank God I had a few aces up my sleeve! 1. My Guy, ever constant, ever loving, ever patient. (How does the man bloody DO it??) 2. My very smart and compassionate pain management doctor who really listens and never blows me off. Even when I sit in his office in a wet puddle of streaming tears and hiccoughing sobs. 3. Me. I somehow found the strength to stop listening to The Story. Every time I’d think a thread of the narrative, I’d stop myself by saying, NEXT! A hundred, five hundred, one thousand times a day. Over and over and over again! Next! Next! Next! Until The Story slowly began to fade and lose its power over me. Between the three of us, we were able to get me jump-started. Yet again.
Tomorrow I get my house cleaned! Seven more rings to go…